Directed by: Dominic Sena and Brett Ratner
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 10%
I had the urge tonight to do another Hate Watch Review and Nic Cage immediately entered my brain. I heard his voice question "But which bitchin' movie of mine will you watch, Heath!?" "Well, Nic, that is a valid question. With so many God-awful movies under your belt how does one choose" I replied. I thought it would be wise to search Netflix for the worst movie I could find. I settled on one of his SEVEN films from 2011; Season of the Witch. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. Seven films in 2011. There are some actors that pledge to never make another movie ever again after seven films (Hugh Grant et al.) but Cage says, "What other crazy sh*t can I do!?" Well Mr. Cage, this truly is a testament to your willingness to do anything. Be aware, I am going to go into detail about the movie in its entirety. Unlike my other films where I discuss parts; I plan on telling you exactly why this is held in such low regard across all of humanity. Enjoy!
Season of the Witch opens with a "trial" on a bridge in which several women are being accused of consorting with Lucifer. I put those quotation marks around the word trial because there is no way on Earth these women are going to live through this ordeal. Of the three women, one confesses to witchcraft. It is obvious that she is just trying to save her skin because she doesn't possess the hallmarks that all witches possess (shadowy eyes, gnarled teeth, bluish grey skin, a crazy crooked nose) like her companions. When the priest has condemned them all he signals his fellow priests to toss them over the bridge; effectively breaking their necks. They double up the murder by dunking them underwater and leaving them. As the crowd disperses, the head priest objects to his brother's haste to leave. They say that they believe they are as dead as they can be and that they have no concern for the sacrements that must be performed for their souls. The head priest decides to do the task alone and suffers for it when, surprise, the witches are not dead.
Fast forward some time to what appears to be The Crusades. Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage are on top of a hill taking wagers on who will kill the most baddies. Violence ensues. Fast forward more time. A similar scene occurs. This is the filmmakers way of telling us that "Nic Cage and Ron Perlman are bad dudes in this movie" and I can appreciate the shorthand. Fast forward again to another massacre only this time Cage (his character's name is unimportant) sees women and children have been slain. This is not glorious to Cage. When he expresses his distaste for the scene the head knight calls him insolent. Feeling thoroughly unrighteous, Vincent from the Beauty and the Beast TV series leans over and says "Let's get the Hell out of here" (which is definitely how Crusaders talked). Cage realizes that that is a terrific idea and the two head off aimlessly; destined to star in a buddy cop movie set in the Crusades era.
Cage and Dieter from Blade II walk for a while and they happen upon a house filled with corpses. They set the house on fire (because that's what you did in those days) and continue on. Their next stop is a castle racked by plague. Apparently Cage is a celebrity even during the Crusades because he hides his face as they ride through the streets. Koulikov from Enemy at the Gates, on the other hand, couldn't care less who sees him (much like in the Present). The two are discovered to be Crusaders when a stableboy sees the emblem on Cage's sword. The two are confronted by guards and an epic sword fight breaks out (which ends in 33 seconds). The two are taken to see the Cardinal by the guards and they are commissioned to escort a witch, that is believed to be the cause of the Plague, to a Monastery. When Cage refuses, they are thrown in prison. After a dream, Cage decides to accept the Cardinal's condition if he agrees that the alleged witch will receive a trial (no quotations) and the desertion charges are lifted from Hellboy and himself. The Cardinal agrees.
The crew find a snake oil peddler that knows the way to the Monastery and hire him to lead their crew. When the group goes to retrieve the witch, they find that she is a young girl. After they are attacked by the not quite sedated witch, Cage backhands her and ensures that she is, in fact, unconscious. They then set out for the monastery.
As the crew (or crüe) travels they discuss things like: fighting, witches, STDs, etc. Cage then uses his Cage sense to catch someone that has been following them. It is revealed that an altar boy (escaping the Church) wishes to accompany them on their journey. Cage pits Johner from Alien Resurrection and the altar boy against each other in a fit. When the Kay (the altar boy) proves his worth, Cage accepts him into the fold. The group continues to walk for a while...I missed some of the details because I was looking for more names to call Ron Perlman. As the group is resting for the night they agree to take turns watching over the witch. When it is the priests turn to watch her, she grows hysterical (insert joke here about kids and priests). She attacks him, steals his key, and escapes. The crüe follows her to a nearby village and a man(witch)hunt begins. They all break apart to cover more ground and one of the knights begins to hallucinate. He believes the witch is his daughter so he begins to aimlessly runabout. He is run through by Kay on accident because he thought the figure rushing crazily towards him was the witch. They find the witch and she apologizes for running. She explains that she couldn't stand being touched by the priest again (...). They bury the knight and go on their way.
After more walking and an ambush by wolves, where their guide is killed, the group arrives at the Monastery. They go inside and find that all the monks have been killed by the Plague. It is at this point where the true nature of the witches affliction reveals itself. She is not a witch at all but is possessed by a demon. The priest starts to perform an exorcism but the demon easily quiets him. The demon then possesses nearby dead monks to combat the knights. In the battle, most of the group is slain (including the guy that provided the voice of Clayface in Batman: The Animated Series). Nic Cage fights fights off the demon as Kay finishes the ritual in which the demon is vanquished from the Earth. Cage has Kay promise to look after the witch (no longer a witch). He agrees and buries all the dead folks.
Wow. That is all I can really say about this movie. It is a great film to watch for the joy that hating it brings. Nic Cage proves once again that he, is limited by nothing. Now, enjoy the wonderful song "Season of the Witch" by Donovan
No BS
Season of the Witch showcases Nic Cage being Nic Cage beautifully! It is a terrible film and has almost no redeeming qualities (Christopher Lee is in it for 3 minutes total) but if you are drunk it could provide some great laughs!
My Score: 4/10
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